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that's what lachlan called me.
in other news.
i am utterly delighted.
filled with Universal Love and Warm Squidges. with all sorts of wonderful worlds and little songs, of flickering light and all sorts of incredible heady sensations that make me spin spin spin in gratitude for the flesh, for friendship, for all the different forms of love and loving.
happy. |
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bland
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Apr. 15th, 2006 @ 02:18 pm
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*shrugs*
you know, it's just one of those days. i have a headache, and had egg sandwiches for lunch. i should be excited because i am going to see sigur ros this afternoon, which probably explains why i feel a little flat - you know, that anticipation of anticipation, and the vague dissatisfaction when it fails to built to a level of contentment... i have been looking forward to sigur ros for some time. when i first saw them, it was the most extreme, so-beautiful-it-was-overwhelming sort of feeling. almost too much.
and this stupid headache. and my lack of motivation.
god. what the hell am i suppose to do with my life?
am i going to be stuck saying
::hello sir, you happy just browsing::
for the rest of my life?
i mean, i need my stupid honours thesis in order to get my masters. which i need in order to get a job. i am over this... i just want a grown-up job. no, i just want to ... get out of this stupid, bland rut.
i'd love to just pack a bag, get on a plane, and just.....
i feel like i am going nowhere, nothing, nada. |
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today, i am at work again ho ha!
i still haven't heard back from the art gallery RE jobs, the bastards. how long must i wait...
forever it seems.
it's one of those challenging times where everything i want has arrived at work. must. resist urge. to buy. things....
and my cotton is on the way.
oh. so hard... |
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Apr. 6th, 2006 @ 05:04 pm
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yay for me! happy birthday for yesturday!
*throws around streamers!!~!!*
i am having an automatic day today.
i feel on autopilot.
and i have a headache to end all headaches.
going off the pill has killed my apetite. i remember now that before going on the pill, i never had an apetite. then, i became hungry-eating-girl.
now, off the pill, my apetite is gone again. this makes me sad, because i do Not want to lose weight. i am very small. i like the size i am at now. but it's HARD to eat when you are not hungry. people don't understand that. it is physically painful. nausiating. i need to have an apetite of some sorts to force food into me. eught!
need hungry-ness.
hey, that might explain the headache! |
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had gross day yesturday. evil customers.
very tired.too many people today.
not enough time to read.
noogie keeps dissapearing.
havent seen my little nikkychicken in weeks.
or cousinnikhi.
i am sick of working so much, and getting so little out of it. |
| » sulking |
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my old boss just came in. someone i was really close friends with - who was easily the best boss i ever had - who i really enjoy the company of.
she was totally blank.
i know people change/move on/act differently. that does not mean i have to like it. plus, she just employed two new people in her department at the store she manages now. well? why did you not call me? you are the one who trained me. you said you would let me know. you let me know about other jobs. why did you not tell me about the ones there?
plus, i feel really, really sick today.
i want to go home to bed. oh, and eat something.
Mar. 23rd, 2006 @ 06:13 pm
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| » oops |
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*stomps around a bit*
ok. things that are not smart-
*putting up a short rant about someone.
*finding that they TOO have a blog
*knowing that you are about two inches away from being found ranting like a crazy lady. about them. and thus, looking like a moron. slightly More like a moron.
(coughs)
things that are smart-
*deleting. :)
Mar. 17th, 2006 @ 03:12 pm
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| » i am neglecting you, LJ.... |
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mehhh! i am bored! and at work. and i have a tummy ache! whoot!
stacey just made me hot chocolate which is great, considering the weather, which is cold and appropriate to hot chocolate.
N with a K had a party last night. i cuddled snake-y, who is the cutest, sweetest little pet ever. she is so gentle, and lovable. i want a snake so much... but the cat would probably eat it... or... something.
d. looked loverly in a dress. he has great legs.
gawed... what have i eaten.
stacey is sad that the smiths are on the radio... cd. whatever. wow. i am working Too Hard.
but customers have been so Rude lately. i hate people.
life is dull. i am back at uni. i need to write my lit review. i don't want to. um... what else. *shrugs*
Mar. 5th, 2006 @ 02:36 pm
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| » not doing anything at work |
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yep. that is me. i am Not doing Anything At work.
i have a headache from eating too much chocolate.
i am totally freaking out about uni. i go back in under a month. my thesis is invisible. (because i havent written the bastard).
does anyone want to write it for me? i am also missing two of my books, i am hungry, and i feel mildly guilty for doing nothing at all at work today. because there is not that much to do, and there have been almost no customers.
arght. things are too exciting. i have been living vicariously online lately, which is both good and bad. i mean, i have this... community. you know.. you forge out a sense of belonging. a place... people recognise you. you feel at home.
it's a virtual space, elizabeth. it's a virtual space.
the people you know are here, around you. breathing the same air. it just... erg. i don't know. god. one hour left.
Feb. 16th, 2006 @ 07:05 pm
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| » boredom. taking up cafe space |
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couldn't be bothered cooking. ok. heating up soup. hence taco time. they were actually quite good.
i feel bland. i am not sure what is going on to make this bland-ness. maybe i need to do something random. maybe i need to dye my hair again. maybe identity politics depress me. they are depressing. why do i have to be? i don't understand the strictness of it. me and judith butler are hanging at the moment. bodies, mattering, or something. the introduction is accessible, and this makes me relatively optimistic.
noogie's show is set up in the tom heath space, and looks fantastic. that blue colour..... happydappy face. go and see it people. *nods*
i have a new, slightly uncomfortable nose ring.
mother is visiting tomorrow. hurrah. hurrah. i hope it will be a good day.
i had a great nap this afternoon. it was damn fine.
and i avoided stupidly spending money. i thought about new york.
that is the theory; think about new york. and knit. with the wool i already have.
i have about 6 parcels due in the mail. i have to resist the urge to sit in front of the mailbox all day. Parcels Now.
Jan. 10th, 2006 @ 09:38 pm
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| » maybe i should drill a hole in my head. or leeches! |
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god fuck damn it.
i really hate these moods. i really do. it took me until 1 pm to leave the house. i sat on the floor for a long time. staring. i got scared. No leave house. sitting. good.
now, i j ust feel. shit. shit.
argh. what the fuck is wrong with me? i am On the fucking pills. my seritonin is regulated. yay. i don't have low self esteem. i have no trauma. everything is good. i know this. i am glad. i don't hate myself and want to die. i jsut feel extremely depressed. for no reason. none.
i am normal. completely. i don't understand. i wish fucking cbt would do something. then at least i would have some sort of power over this. but i can't just fucking fix this with any sort of therapy. and i've been fine (ish) for ages. stress? i don't know, i am pretty rational. it's not that big deal in the scheme of things, i know things will work out. i am not worried. i think i just like to blame stress. i just want to hibernate. i want to bury myself. i want to . sleep. all. day. and not have to move and to feel. like. this. anymore. i don't get these mood swings. i don't fucking get it.
my mind is ratty and dribbly. the sentences are all crumbly and incoherent and sloppy. i cannot put the words together. i cannot make them make sense.
Aug. 22nd, 2005 @ 04:57 pm
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| » hungry! unmotivated! |
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this is my attempt to write thesis. go to alibi room. was hoping it would be open. not only is it open, it is packed. go to the ekka, you fuckers. leave my cafe and me alone. i want to write my thesis. madonna and chai and the fact they now have scones on the menue helps lesbian thesis. not noisy strangers. leave! leave i tell you!
the cat was being very cute. he attacked my shoes and shoelaces as i was trying to put them on. he also licked my hand. on the down side, it appears that my new organic porrige is thicker and goopier. and i have run out of soymilk. berhg. looks like a trip down to merthyr village to me
stop laughing, loud people in the smoking area! i am trying to focus. well. that is a lie. i think i am going to play neopets soon. heh. ahg god. i will never get this stupid thesis done.
Aug. 17th, 2005 @ 12:50 pm
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| » now, i am psychotic. and farty. in a library |
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today's news from the medical profession.
elizabeth has early onset psychosis.
people, am i psychotic? well? am i? are you all not telling me that you fear i am psychotic?
i give up on doctors.
and, i have bad wind. and i am depressed. which is why i was At the fucking doctors. but no. no... being aware of my moods, knowing when my thoughts were irrational... nope. that counts for Nothing. i am psychotic.
i am so Sick of this.
Aug. 10th, 2005 @ 12:23 pm
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| » uni work is funny |
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yes. going to uni to do work is a very funny thing indeed.
god. thesis is due not too far away. i actually should do something.
me is confused about the universe at the moment. there is something funny with my head. it's not fun. i feel. disorented. a lot. and confused. a lot. about. i don't know. just confused. going to doctor again on wed. as the doctor i went to today was completely useless. just handed me scripts and told me to watch my weight if i am putting it on. God. does it look like i am worried about being overweight? No. i am worried about gaining two cup sizes in my titties in two weeks, and my bottom getting bigger, because i eat no animal fats, and i exercise for an hour 4 days a week. i dont care about it for aesthetic reasons; i look better than i ever have with my big bum and titties. i like it. its just. weird. that and i feel like i am going... strange in the head.
i don't know.
things i do know at the moment:
i love my noogie. he is the best thing.
i love our new cat. his name is melnik, and he is soft and white and grey, and plays fetch. i like throwing balls of paper for him to catch, and cuddling him. and playing 'let's attack my hands/socks/feet/table/fabric'.
sigur ros were amazing. amazing. they were almost overwhelming. it was almost... too good. too pure. too rich. it was an amazing music experience. so was tujiko noriko. so beautiful.
i miss my chicken.
i am spending too much, but i feel crazy and spending is like the new self mutilation, it makes me feel real. things. solid. me solid too. money is less solid than things. ohh. stockings and cds and books and skincare that will make my pimples go away. Yay.
i am enjoying my lesbian book a lot. as always.
i still havent gotten my issue of bitch magazine, and that is upsetting me.
i like cuddles.
i can make felt.
i don't like having my period, because it is irritating. i feel bloated.
i have a new stupid hat. i am allowing myself to wear stupid hats. because. I Like Them.
Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 01:12 pm
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| » arse up/ |
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well, that is it. it's time for me to do one of my top ten things. look for a new job.
it seems things have gotten far. messier. lately here. and i am sick of it. work really shouldn't be a place where all you get is criticism, where all your effort is completely ignored, and the only comment you get most of the time is regarding your clothing. i am really, really sick of it, and if A leaves, which it looks like she will, so will i. god, i hate looking for work. i really, really hate it.
this really makes me feel so much better about my life at the moment. i love work. i love my little bookstore. but, there is No Way i am just going to sit here, having our arses kicked over trivial things, without Any of the effort we go to being acknoledged. am sick of it. so so sick of it. i am putting in for Dream Job at folio books. i have amazing experience from here, and i am good at what i do. i can sell the pants off books.
insomnia is foul. it's always a bad sign, when i am still awake at midnight. staring at the wall. hm. wall. very flat. very. wallish.
Aug. 4th, 2005 @ 03:04 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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yes yes. this member of the effexor club wants more. if i keep on l ike this for more than the next week or so, i am Doing Something About It.
i am really sick of these lousy mood swings.
i just spend the last six dollars in my wallet on beer. i feel perversely proud of that fact. agr. i am sick of feeling like this again.
sick of all day in bed, all day staring at the wall, all day wandering in my head, rethinking rethinking stupid stupids. little brain cave in's, need company, need distractions.
i think i hate emily so much because she makes me feel so small. she comes across as so cool and cold and ... i don't know, detached. she's there, all sophisticated. and i? there is nothing close to those things in me. i rant at people if they make racist comments, i rant at people about sweatshops, i don't just sit around looking indifferent and cool. i am meek, and sexually inexperienced, and i feel constantly self concious about that fact. and, at the same time, bluntly me-ish about it. i mean, my tally is as follows. i have.- kissed 4 males. one of which, a near stranger who developed a sudden fixation on me in year 12. i met him at the minister's awards, and he used an appaling pick up line on me. he kissed me the next time i saw him, and i was sort of, well, very grossed out. it was wet, slobbery, gooby. and he was very funny looking, and he decided he was in love with me later in the day. i think i saw him once or twice after that. eep. next person i kissed was max. the hatted one. we didnt meet until the day before new year's the year i graduated. we kissed at the end of Emilie - you know, that movie with the french music. it was not as wet and sloppy and gooby. although i was confused and frightened and didn;t understand what i was getting into. it was ok though. i was just. young. next person i kissed was eden, the guy from grammer, who i met at lauren's party in first year. he had a big chin, and blonde hair. lots of it. he looks like an aryan boy. i was very drunk, and had broken off with max the day before. i'd spend a few hours at the party on the phone to max, trying to convince him not to kill himself. i was drunk, it was the first time i ever got drunk. i was staring at the pool, arguing for him not to jump into the brisbane river, not to do this to me. the phone cut out. i gave up. eden listened to me ramble on for about 4 hours straight, about every uninteresting aspect of my life. he held my hands because it was cold, and hugged me because i was sad. then, in the middle of the night, we somehow ended up kissing, his hand somewhere a little further south than i anticipated. i was so drunk. that was pretty much the end of that one.
i ended up back with max. after a few weeks. as fuck friends. the first time we kissed after we made the decision was at his place. i was sitting on a chair, looking at a book, or something. can't remember. he unbuttoned my jeans. and then, we kissed.
the next, was my noogy. at my house. after new york. we were at my house. the plan was to drive up mt cootha, but it was so windy, we thought otherwise. we went to a resturant at bulimba, and then, went back to my house. i piled us both up with scotch, and we watched movies. mainly cure filmclips and smiths. he had to go outside later in the evening, because he thought he was going to hurl, and needed some fresh air. he danced around, spinning over the grass, and ran into the back steps, backwards. i pulled him forward, we spun around, and, my hands still on my arms, we kissed. we looked at each other with such relief. it had been comming... and not comming for a long time. this also fell into the good happy category.
i have only had sex with two of these people. it is fairly clear that it is the two i actually had relationships with, and the two i spend more than a few hours with.
for some irrational reason, this makes me feel incredibly insecure. i feel so feeble and small, so limp. and this is very irrational. i guess it is due to my complete ... what is the phrase/.... also insecurity that i am unattractive, that i'm some ugly, pimply poison, some skinny, figureless weed no one would find attractive. unlike some other people. i don't pick up randomly, i don't date sporadically, and even if i was single, i cannot imagine being able to pick up males or females for casual sex. this makes me feel very impotent, very unattractive, very limp and powerless.
maybe this is what is depressing me. maybe i just feel ugly again. or something. or empty. or needlessly lonely. i want an us. i don;t know. that is not an answer to happyness and i know that.
i want waking up in the morning, breakfast together. not home to empty house, joint decoration, together choosing, mutual whitegoods. does this make me lame? i feel very lonelyright now.
i am, however, enjoying my beer. i want mutual plans. i want an 'our' house. blerg. i don;t know what my problem is. i just. feel lonely.
i miss my little chicken very very much.
i shouldnt winge. wishbear is very good. and unwingey. but i miss her heaps. i miss girly icecream and late night movies and playing with girlyhair and bra advice and hanging around talking, 'girling' and talking and... my little chicken. i miss her heaps. sadfaceness.
maybe that is it. i got a postcard, and it made me miss her more. i am having a beer for you, n. a coopers, in the alibi room, at 10pm on a wednesday night, alone, and sort of cold. my fingers especially, due to the whole typing thing.
sadface.
Aug. 3rd, 2005 @ 09:51 pm
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| » at library under pretence of work |
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i have just sent off my third version of thesis introduction. this one is shorter.
jollification at changing my thesis idea half way through the year. it is a bit of a pain. especially when the study only goes for a year. good work. it took me 6 months to realize i wasn't working with queer theory. christ. six months. ah well. i am learning. i am growing.
i still have mildly painful pimples on my chin. they hurt. a little
i had a brownie for breakfast. i was muttering to myself, in my head, about fasting for intellectual growth and concentration. i proved this was not what i was doing, by realizing the only reason i only had a brownie for breakfast was that i was too lazy to get out the toast. and the only reason my lunch consisted of a bottle of juice was that i was too cheap to find real food, and instead substituted real food for watermelon and strawberry juice. then, on getting to uni, i had pretzels from a vending machine. health plus.
i need to do shopping. i will buy more cereal in the city before i go home. i think i have a can of soup. that will make a fine dinner indeed. canned soup is underrated. it is very good. especially the yummy vegetable minostronie. i have No Idea how to spell that word. it is long and hard.
in other exciting news., i can now play two scales on the violin. not particularly well, mind you. but better than i use to. go me. i want to actually be able to play it
i have also rediscovered how me+library does NOT = study. it usually means me sitting, and playing neopets, reading, updating my live journal, etc. speaking of which, i still have to do my airs test. christ, i'll do it now. thpths.
Jul. 25th, 2005 @ 05:08 pm
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| » just shut up already |
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so?
so?
i am allowed to use this to rant. i don't spend my time here reflecting on all the happygoodness. so? so?
that is not a problem.
god. i feel shit.
stupid cold. i hate colds. they are so vile. they are such a limp form of being sick.
why the Fuck can't i just let it go? what the fuck is my stupid, pathetic problem? i want nothing. nothing. i don't want to loathe her, i don't to feel like spitting in her self-satisfied smirk. i don't want to wish her suffering, pain misery.
i just want to forget she exists. i want her gone. i want to never, ever think about her. or him again, for as long as i live. i want both of them empty nothings. voids. holes. i want them gone.
this is not moving on. i want to stop hating her pathetic petty self.
because.
i am Not a cheater. i am not some petty scumbag. i resent it.
Jul. 20th, 2005 @ 06:55 pm
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| » i feel so blank i just read the terms of service for lj |
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that is sad.
i played neopets for a bit;. kind of got... bored. then headed over to astro.com, and got suitably depressed by my long term forcast for this year.
then i got bored again.
i want bed, and warm and. i feel like hiding. i feel like digging a hole, and rugging the blankets up around me. i feel like. reading my new umberto eco. i feel like antisocial. i feel like a bad girlfriend for not going to noog's exhibition tonight. he said he didn't mind, and i i believe him. i still feel terrible, and unsuportive, sitting here in his borrowed coat. i love this coat. i probably shouldn't, just like i love my boots.
i am a bad girlfriend. i feel all needy and neurotic, and whiney and ... boring. i feel so so boring at the moment, and rambling, and false and nonexistant. i feel like. like i am dissapearing. or something suitably lame. i don't go out, i just Sit in my cafe, in my back corner (it's non-smoking), with my tea and my bread, my computer and my window. the staff come over and chat.
i don't think i feel up to black fag, full of people noise cigarette smoke etc.
i miss my little chicken. i light up with text messages from her. england is very far away.
i think i am going home. have a shower. read. warm bed sleep. noog will probably come home after i am asleep, and i am hoping someone will be awake to let him in. i am looking forward to himbeing there. i am looking forward, also, to a larger bed.
god, elizabeth, be less drab.
great job wonderful noog good sister relationship not in indonesian jail awake not terminally ill intellegent live in valley not in thornlands neither parent died yet nice cafe staff sucessful vegetarian shift
god. i am not thinking of much here. come one. think of woodblocks and sleeping and blankets and spiderwebs and cuddles and my x'files episodes.
Jul. 2nd, 2005 @ 09:17 pm
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| » distant |
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i am reading 'the passion'.
i read my stars somewhere, saying that the past is a-comming back at the moment. i am having to deal with the distant past.
i am wearing a leather jacket that noog left on the chair. i want to be here. i am here. i am breathing in the leathery smell, remember wearing the coat in new york. remembering remembering.
a relationship built on a mutual interest in 19th century poetry is doomed from the start, especially under the circumstances. shelley and byron are two of the only solid things i hold passionate from Before. that carried so solidly into During. and totally dissipated After. but, hell. it's a facination. i can sit here, reciting pivotal years in their lives. i can retell hours of (boring) stories about them both. i have a first edition shelley at $125 USD, and a two set biography from 1856, at $100 USD per volume. my first, ever old book i purchased was in year 11. from archives. it was a complete works of byron from the mid 1800's, leather bound in beautiful condition with gold edged pages. $55. it seemed like so much money when i was 16. it was my most precious, precious possession.
the people at the table next to me are talking about losing their virginity.
there is a copy of 'shelley, the pursuit,' at work. it's sitting there, waiting for me to buy it. expensive though. palgrave macmillan are re-releasing it in hardback later in the year. richard holmes is generally considered to be one of the best biographers.
the people next to me are now talking about her a guy she met at a pizza place. he is 18, she is 24. they got trashed. had sex, and it was over in 'about two seconds.' they are laughing a lot. i am thanking god i am not one of these people. i am hoping to god i won't be like that when i am 24.
Jul. 2nd, 2005 @ 08:04 pm
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